Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thoughts on being more dominant/Alpha

FeministX has an interesting, somewhat whiny post up right now about her issues with two guys, one she's seeing and one she just met online. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but her issue with the online guy is that he is supposedly an "extreme Alpha", which she is incapable of resisting. A number of thoughts are going through my head at this - at the idea that she is so attracted that she literally can't trust herself to act rationally. For instance, I'm wondering what it is this guy wrote or said that got her going to this extent. I'm also wondering, if we assume that most women are attracted to male dominance to some extent, what percent of them are truly like her, complete putty in the hands of an Alpha? 1 in 10? 1 in 5? 

But, more importantly, it's really hitting home to me that I need to ramp up the male dominance aspect of my personality - I need to become much more indifferent and less caring of what other people think - maybe a bit more assholeish. This is a problem for me because I'm very much a nice guy. To the extent that I have any game at all, what I tend to play up is that I am mature and socially normal. I'm also very high IQ. I've never been tested (that I know about), but I know I'm smart.

These are attractive qualities. Emotional maturity is very masculine - very much on the male side of the male/female polarity spectrum. Smart is attractive as well - women like guys that are smarter than them. These things come out in conversation and I think they are enough to keep me from disqualifying myself, but not enough to really generate attraction. I suspect dominance is the missing ingredient - dominance and fun.

I've said before, here and elsewhere, that I don't feel like I'm a very fun person. In some ways, it's almost like I don't know how to have fun. I think my problem with not being assertive, male dominant, etc., is basically the same root issue as not being fun. The root issue, I think, is the social conditioning - that I care too much what people think, which keeps me from cutting loose and just doing what I want when I want.

Is it possible, I wonder, to become more dominant, more selfish and indifferent, and less caring of what other people think, without becoming an out and out asshole? I think that's ultimately what I'm going for. I think you can be indifferent, selfish about your own needs, etc., and still have empathy and care about other people.


Hope said...

I don't mean to sound disparaging to FeministX here, but are you really attracted to her and women like her? If not, why would it matter that she's attracted to these "eXXXtreme" alphas?

The alpha she talks about sounds repulsive to me. Dominance and emotional maturity are hot. Selfishness and total indifference are not.

My fiance has very high empathy and emotionality, cares about other people and is a fundamentally good man. That's far more attractive to me than some egotistical jerk-off. Maybe it turns off a bunch of other women, but he likes me and not those other women.

Fun. Just acting like a goofy kid ups your fun factor. Drag her dancing around the living room. Make goofy jokes and funny faces. That shows you don't "care" about looking like an idiot. Confidence.

Dominance. Just make sure she knows your strength on a weekly basis. Don't handle her like a little fragile porcelain doll. Be strong and firm when you grab her and touch her. Just don't break her... that would be bad.

Rake said...

Whether I was attracted or not wasn't the point really. I was more interested in how attracted she is to the dominant male and where she is on that spectrum compared to other women. I would assume she's near one end of the spectrum.

But even if she is on the extreme side, reading her and some of these other female bloggers is kind of eye opening. For most of my life, I've lived in Seattle where we are extremely liberal. Feminism is a powerful force here. These are things that, a year ago, I never would have thought of.

Sofia said...

As someone whose two serious relationship were with intellectuals, I can say that I generally seek out the high-IQ type, and it used to be a much more charming standalone quality when I was younger. But, when you're a brainy girl like me (not to sound too self-aggrandizing), your social circle tends to be generally very high IQ. Then you begin seeking out other qualities, like dominance, and humour which you mentioned. Humour is a big component. Many smart guys don't know how not to take themselves too seriously.

Rake said...

I don't think I take myself too seriously, but I am one of those guys that enjoys more serious stuff - politics, business, economics, etc. I don't think that's really the issue. I do have a sense of humour - love to laugh, etc. But I will admit that the more serious stuff distracts me at times and keeps me from getting into the right state. [In the pickup community, "state" refers to emotional state, or being in that social, more extroverted mood. If you are an introvert like me, this is especially important.]

Something I didn't mention in my post is that I think I probably do have a dominant personality, at least to some extent. It comes out at times, mostly at work or in more intense discussions, but most of the time I keep it under wraps. I need to do less of that.

Default User said...

I think dominance and agreeableness will tend to move in opposite directions. That is if she wants more dominance then she will have to give up agreeableness (niceness). I think women react to man with some sociopath in him. I think most alphas (especially in the PUA sense) have a fair bit of asshole/sociopath in them.

The strength of the real asshole is that he really does not care. That means he can work for what he wants without holding back. This is what gives him the air of confidence. The weakness of the non-sociopath is that he does care (even if he tries to pretend not to). This causes him to hesitate and that seems less confident.
[I know, chicks are crazy, but you have to work with what you are given : )]

The answer is not to stop caring, it is to only stop caring about what she wants and focus on what you want. If you want sex with her then aim to have sex by the end of date one. Start pushing hard for that, stop caring if it makes her uncomfortable (that discomfort may be excitement). Just care about what you care about. The strange thing is this will be attractive to many women. You only have to read the reports of Roissy women to know exactly what women respond to. And what you should care about is what they respond to not what they "care" about.
[And no, I am not talking about rape or using force. Just be very clear where you want this to go.]

So maybe your program would look like this.
Rule 1:
I will push for sex at the end of date one. I realize that might not happen but I will push, and push hard. She will be in no doubts as to my intentions. Is she says that she is not that hind of girl, I will remind her that I am that kind of man.
Rule 2:
If we have not had sex by the end of date three then it is likely she either, does not find me hot enough, is a prude, or has no sex drive. Whatever the reason, I dump her, or at least put her in the in-case-of-emergency file.

The idea here is not to focus on getting laid but to focus on pressing forward for what you want. That is the hallmark of the alpha male and dominance. It still leaves you plenty of room to be you. It does not even imply acting asshole (being willfully mean), you are just focusing on your concerns and directing your energy to those goals. Nothing precludes moving into a long-term relationship once you have scored attraction.

Anonymous said...

Your post summed me up pretty well. Could you do more like this?